Saturday, June 30, 2012

Mirth is Good Medicine! Have you Laughed Today?

"Laughter sometimes comes from the most subtle of
gestures and warms the coldest of corners."

- Henry Ward Beecher     

A Daily Dose of Laughter

We all need a good laugh, who doesn't! Laughter is a good lasting medicine, an experience of amusement, scorn or joy. When we were children, we used to laugh about 400 times or more in 24 hours! As we get older and more serious, they narrow down to only approximately 15 times per day! Which is not enough, I think, considering we were born to laugh a few hundred times a day! For good reasons, we can pretty much laugh at any time of the day and at anything we want. I find some of my laughter in my very own professions! I am sharing a dozen of them, you might have come across some of them, but I hope they could at least give you a smile!

A Career Change. Client: I'm thinking of becoming a Massage Therapist myself. In the job I have now all I hear is complaints and people tell me their problems all day.
Massage Therapist: Spoken as a true healer
Client: Huh?
Massage Therapist: What is it you do now, again?
Client: I'm a nurse.

Trained Well. Client: So...where did you get your training?
Massage Therapist: Prison.
Client (hushed gasp): Oh.
Massage Therapist: (Speechless.)

Go Right Ahead. Massage Therapist: Your appointment is for 9 A.M. If I'm not on time, start without me.

Pressure Perfect. Massage Therapist: Is the pressure okay?
Client: How will I know if it's not "okay"?
Massage Therapist: If you see dead relatives beckoning you toward a bright light, that would be one clue.

The Emolient. Client: What's in the massage oil?
Massage Therapist: Patchouli and some Rosemary. It smells nice. I tried using holy water once but it burns! It BURNS!

Lawnmower Maneuver. Client: By that pressure, I'd say you don't like me very much.
Massage Therapist: (Easing up.) No, no! Thank you for telling me the pressure was too much for you. If I really didn't like you, I'd use the lawn mower maneuver.
Client: (Curious) Ah, and what's that?

Massage Therapist: I wrap a long towel around your head several times, place one foot on your back, take one end of the towel and, er...start you up!
Client descends into silence for the rest of the hour, tips generously and scurries out.

Trigger Points. Client: Jeez! That trigger point really hurt!
Massage Therapist: Yeah, if only I would use my powers for good instead of evil.

The Monologue. Massage Therapist (monologuing): I'm going to be doing frictions which can be a little unpleasant. It's at this point patients sometimes say (in a Sean Connery accent) "Do you expect me to talk?" And I say (wigged out Goldfinger voice): "I expect you to die, Mr. Bond!"

Pay me More. Massage Therapist: Let me know if that's too much pressure. I don't want to torture you. That would be an added charge.

Tiger Balm. Massage Therapist: Would you like some Tiger Balm down your spine?
Client: No. You shouldn't use that! It's not ecologically sound! It's made with real tigers!
Massage Therapist: Ma'am, I can assure you that Tiger Balm is not that expensive. I've looked at the ingredients and I'm sure it does not contain any tiger residue whatsoever.
Client: Oh. Um. Okay.
Massage Therapist: The Baby Powder, however, contains 96% actual babies.

Happy Endings. A guy was on a business trip and he's staying in this fancy hotel. When he goes up to his room there's a sign near the bed that says "Try our Oriental Massage". So he rings down to the reception and tells the clerk that he'd like to try one of these massages. About ten minutes later a nice Oriental lady comes up and starts giving him a massage. He's lying on his stomach and getting pretty aroused. She told him to turn over and when he does she sees him standing to attention. She giggles and says "Ahh, you want wanky!" So he says "Oooh, yes!" So she runs out of the room and he lies on the bed waiting. A few minutes later she sticks her head out from behind the door and says "Are you finished yet?"

I Cannot Help it. In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?!""Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!""That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied."I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

These massage jokes have been posted and reposted all over the web in different versions. I am assuming that they are on public domains. Yet still I find them funny, feel free to repost and spread some laughter!

- Leo Feraer-Oporto     

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