Friday, May 24, 2013

8 Things Your Massage Therapist Will Never Tell You!

"If you reveal your secrets to the wind you should not
blame the wind for revealing them to the trees."

- Kahlil Gibran     

Dirty Little Secrets...

O.M.G. you might say! But if you are thinking about something sensual or sexual, you are in for a very B.I.G. disappointment! Everyone has one or more dirty little secrets that they can neither avoid or change in the line of duty! Yup, I have a few of those. They have tested my patience, my resolve, and of course sometimes, my will! I think it is the same old excuse that we all have - being human. After all, we Massage Therapist are just as much!
I won't tell you #1: I don't want to be your "Psychotherapist"! Have you ever had one of those client who will talk about all their life's miseries all throughout the session! Imagine a whole hour (sometimes 2) of having to listen to all their rants about how unlucky and how undesirable their lives have been! They will literally pull you into their own pit of depression! And all you can do is say uhuh, yes, okay! Makes me want to replace my massage table with a large chaise instead! "Taken your medications yet?"
I won't tell you #2: At times I am your talented "Chemist"! I mix and match lotions, oils, creams, butters, gels and essential essences to achieve the best consistency, glide, texture, non-greasiness and health-benefits. I read labels and recommendations to improve them of course! I warm them, melt them, microwave them, even sometimes freeze them for use in ice massages! I test them on myself, then on my colleagues! If the results are encouraging then that is what I use! You see, not everything that works for many works for me or to my #6-client below! If I can better myself by improving my tools, then concoctions I do! And YES, I do have some success!
I won't tell you #3: I am an "expected" Superman many-times over! Deep. Deeper. Deepest! That is the pressure they want. The sweat on my forehead has been dripping from my chin and I am hardly catching my breath! And my gender is not of any help! They think that being a guy means I can push massage pressure to a greater extent! If you are a masochist and immune to pressure, go take mixed martial arts instead, grappling perhaps! They can release tension and anxiety just as much - whilst getting all the "pressure" you need!
I won't tell you #4: I possess the ability to point you to the right "wrong" direction if you are sleazy! NOT recommended - professional ethics must be upheld, but is better than punching someone! So you have "clued-me" in to what you really are looking for, you have pointed to me of how I should "rub" you, you even ask for it verbally! Here's is what I say: "Go to the Rub-rob-rip Spa on #13 Shadow Street, they just got raid by the police and have now re-opened! They will provide you the kind of massage you are looking for, for $350.00/hour, sex included! Enjoy!" [Turn your back, leave the treatment room, then call the manager]
I won't tell you #5: My sarcastic prowess can sometimes be unspoken! If you deserve it, you can get some and you will not even be aware that you just did! Hah! If you are a pain in my bleep, if you behave like a celebrity (while being far from one), if you think you are a superior form of being - then prepare to get a mediocre or sometimes an awful massage experience! I do not intend to keep you - your life mission is to make my practice miserable, so why bother! I will not even refer you to someone else! If you start spreading bad news about me - then what I did just proves it is well worth it!
I won't tell you #6: Quite the opposite of 5 - no words needed! I have special ways to suck-up unintentionally or intentionally - all the time sincerely! Again, if you deserve it - why not! You are the epitome of compassion and empathy, you are generous, and your massage goals and demands are realistic and reasonable! Then YES! I will pamper you like a king or queen! I will pull out all of my greatest massage tricks and strokes! I want you to come back, I want your business and you are the kind of client that I wish to keep! Need I say more?
I won't tell you #7: I reserve my self-declared right to skip! And skip I will! Sometimes I will intentionally skip areas against your request! If it is an unexpected contraindication (i.e., undiscovered athletes foot); we have ran-out of time (you ask too much, or talk too much); or you have unreasonable demands that you did not indicate during the intake - then I might skip areas of your body that have less musculature: like your hands, feet, scalp, face, ribs, etc. You will get an apology and explanation after the session!
I won't tell you #8: I do have the unwanted ability to zone out. I get tired, I get distracted, I am worrying too or you are a client from #5 above! If you are a veteran client for many years you can notice the difference in the transduction of my touch. If you are otherwise, you might just well enjoy the massage just like the average Joe or Jane. I may just be more prone to stress than you do due to the nature of my profession! So forgive me, like you my need for another massage is way overdue!
And you wonder why we Massage Therapists proclaim not everyone can do our job!
- Leo Feraer-Oporto     


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